This was a fic I wrote back aways when
"Trading Spaces" was a hot show on the HGTV channel...or Discovery or
whatever. Some of the show's characters are no longer on there, but have new
shows, etc. Let me know what you think.
Disclaimer:::
All
characters on Lexx are the property of Alliance Artists/Paul Donovan, etc, etc,
not making any money off them, don’t sue me, I’m broke..etc.
TRADING SPACE
A light buzzing noise permeated Stan's fitful
slumber..he struggled to open his eyes and peered at a flickering light
overhead...a small conduit wire had come loose from the organic wall of his
room.....it sputtered insolently at him..."ffzzzzzzzzzzppp"
"Shit, not another short, that's the 3'rd
one this week..."
Stan moaned, still grumpy from his nap...he
hadn't been able to manage his usual 10 hours of sleep lately, more and more
systems on the ship had been falling apart..
"I'm totally worthless until I get my
beauty sleep"...he mumbled to no one in particular..
Xev poked her head thru the oval door of his
room.."What's the matter now, Stan, another problem? You've been bitching
all week..."
Sitting up, he punched down the pillow on his
Mothbed..
"Every day, it's a new hassle, this damn
ship is so old, all the systems have started to screw up, and I'm NO
techie!"
Xev scanned the room, and noticed several
sections of the fleshy protruberances of the interior had begun to decay and
slough off the walls..
"Ew, this looks nasty" , she cringed,
fingering a particularly ugly piece of the Lexx's lighting panel...
Stan wiped his forehead...
"Didn't you notice how humid and warm it's
gotten in here lately? And frankly, well...." Stan screwed up his nose..
"The ship stinks"...
A whirring sound from down the corridor grew in
intensity until a small motorized cart with 790 appeared thru the archway..
"I hate to break up this pathetic exchange
of what would be considered conversation, but the Meat Sack has an incoming
call from Earth"...
"For me?? Anything to break up the monotony
around here.."
Stan strolled past 790's cart and promptly
kicked the chuckling head into the wall... Wailing as he shot towards the
disgusting target,
"WORTHLESS PILE OF SOAP BONES! I'LL MAKE
SURE THE TOILETS USE SANDPAPER ON THEIR TONGUES !!"
Xev chuckled..and charitably picked the head up
and placed it on his little cart...
"There you go, now try to stay out of
trouble, we have to figure out a way to repair all these little
annoyances.."
Xev strutted down the corridor towards the
bridge...leaving 790 to stuggle after her with his buzzing
cart.."Please wake up the Dead Man, I need my frosty assassin
snack!! He's my one and only Deadsickle !! "
"Stanley H. Tweedle?" The
cheerful woman on the Lexx's bridge screen glowed at him..."My name is
Paige Davis, and we read your story and it seemed SO outrageous we
decided it was the perfect opportunity to raise our ratings and do an episode
with some really super-creative ideas..after all, we've never had a show done
in 'space' before..." she chuckled...
"So this time next week, our carpenter Tai
and our 2 designers and myself will meet you at your um..designated coordinates
to welcome you to an episode of TRADING SPACES !!!!"
Stan was overjoyed.."That's fantastic
!! I mean, you have NO idea how bad the ship's interior is right now, I mean,
our FOOD TUBE has just gotten totally disgusting, and the shower appendage
nozzle has started to dribble...and..''
Paige interrupted..
"Um...GREAT, uh..Stan, we'll see you a week
from today, and you understand that it's for 4 people, and in teams of 2 each,
you redecorate each other's spaces, right???"
"OH..sure, sure...we'll be waiting
for you, right Xev???"
Xev's startled look was ignored by both Stan and
Paige..
The screen blinked off, and Stan started dancing
around the bridge ...
"FINALLY !! I've conned..um..convinced
someone to come up here and help us fix this run-down dragonfly for free, and
maybe..."...Stan leered at Xev.."I might get lucky in the bargain,
you should see one of the decorators....hehehehe"..
Paige had her cameraman shut off his
headset..."Geez, these clowns get weirder each episode..this guy thinks
his house is a spaceship, I betcha a hundred bucks, he's a Trekkie. God knows
what we'll find when we get there..."
She and the cameraman just shook their heads....
790 immediately went into hysterics.."NO NO
NO...NO ONE COMES ON BOARD THE LEXX..NO MORE SLUTS ON MY SHIP TO CHASE MY
BELOVED HUNK OF ICEBERG !!!"
Xev waved her hand in Stan’s
direction…”What was that all about???, You didn’t say anything about a
decorating crew coming up here, I would have liked to be in on it…after all…”
she blew on her nails and smiled..”I’m quite a decorator myself..”…Stan rolled
his eyes….”Yeah, I’m sure your box was the prettiest one on B3K….”
Kai awoke to the hissing sounds of the cryopod
lid, and clouds of cold vapor rolling thru the cryochamber…
“Do you have need of me?”…his dark eyes glared
at Stan…
790 piped up..”Kai !! Please throw them
off the bridge, they’ve awakened you without my permission !!”
Kai’s eyes could immediately sense a change in
mood with Stanley.. who was tap-dancing his way thru the chamber…
"Have we landed somewhere?”…
“Um..not really, we’re still orbiting
Earth, but I managed to get us some help in repairing the Lexx’s operating
systems and damaged interior..aren’t you happy?”
Kai squinted tightly at Stanley…”The Dead are
not…..happy…the Dead are merely content…”
Stan nodded, pleased with at least that
much of an admission…
Paige Davis sat in the Truck, tapping her
nails on the dashboard…the ‘coordinates’ she’d been given by this flake Stanley
Tweedle, were right on the money, but there was no house here…
“Shit, if this guy is some ringer Bob Vila sent
us, I’m going over and kill that old geezer…he can’t screw with us !!”
Tai, her carpenter, nodded as he stuffed
Twinkies into his mouth, gearing up his blood sugar level to “Intense” for
purposes of impressing the cameraman…
Just then a loud humming noise emanating
from overhead caught Paige and Tai’s attention..
Paige looked out the window, shielding her eyes…
An immense bug-like craft was hovering close by
them, looking for a place to land…finally it settled on a few acres of
meadowland…
Just then, the two designers showed up , Doug
and Genny, each a good decorator in their own rights, and eager for the
challenge of doing something drastic to the interiors, having seen the pictures
sent to them by Stan…
Now Doug was the proverbial snob, eager to show
off his talents, and quite happy to let his couple do most of the work as he
sat and complained about the price of opera ticktets..
Gennie (Genevieve) was a lovely blonde designer
who’s imagination was matched only by her fiery temper…Stan was bound to have
his hands full..
Stan and Xev jogged over to meet them, Kai
slowly made his way thru the shrubbery in their wake…
“Wow, is that your ship??? This WILL be a
challenge !! “ Paige clapped her hands and jostled her way between Xev and
Stan…”And WHO might you be???”.. She offered her hand to Kai..who stared
at her as if her head was on fire…
“I’m Kai…last of the Brunnen G….I was from
a..”
“Ok, that’s terrific, but we only have a few
minutes for the promo for next Friday night, how about if we get right down to
business, it seems as if we’re missing one person for the show, where’s your 4th person??”
790 called out from behind her, causing Paige to
jump into the arms of her carpenter…
“I’m 790 and you BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY
MAN !!”
Stan pointed at 790…”That’s our 4th guy….Kai
and 790 versus me and Xev…”Stan winked at Gennie, who was visibly winking at
Kai….
Kai peered nonchalantly at the group, then
turned and strode back to the Lexx, with 790 in hot pursuit…..
Stepping into the Lexx’s cryochamber,
Paige’s face was white..”What in the hell is this place?, What would you use
this for??”…Kai leaned over and whispered quietly…”It’s my cryochamber, it’s
where I sleep..”
Paige winked at Gennie…”Ah….we have a Goth
guy trying to make some changes in his habitation!! Good for you, after all,
even tho your outfit is flattering, a nice tan and a Polo shirt would do you
wonders..” she winked at Kai again, who stood and stared straight thru her…
Gennie grabbed Stans arm, “I guess this is
our project there honey, we have to get busy..”…Stan fairly drooled and
followed behind her as Xev rolled her eyes at his behaviour..
Paige took Kai and 790 to Stan’s chamber,
and noticed right away the rancid smell of decaying garbage…
“What the hell is that?? Are we next to
the dumpster?” Doug smirked..”Another class group of people, Paige,
kind of like those Appalachians you wanted to do last month where they wanted
their whiskey still redecorated..”
Paige just glared at Doug and flounced off
to go get her carpenter set up in the bridge…
Doug was measuring the walls of the
chamber..”I think I can make this place presentable, but it will take some hard
work…I think a nice leather wall here with some tiger stripes on those arches..
would look fantastic..”
Kai looked over at the pompous
decorator…”If you wish..I have no preference either way..”
Doug wiggled his eyebrows..”Oh…really???
Hmmm..that presents some interesting topics of conversations..”
Gennie handed Stanley a large paintbrush….and
shoved him in the direction of the crypod chamber wall..”We have to put up
something much more cheerful..I picked out this lovely lavender color to spruce
up the interior, and then….”
She revealed the darker purple paint
can..”This is for the cryopods, guaranteed to wake you up in a good mood…oh,
and I shouldn’t forget the herbal scented dried flower decorations we have in
mind…
Stan, of course, having other things on
his mind..pinched Gennie’s butt as she leaned over and opened the paint can..
“Ouch!! Hey!! What’s the idea, no groping !!”
Stan just winked, convinced she really
wanted the attention…”Oh, nothing, I’m just a very friendly guy, you know, I
like to party and hang out, kind of laid back…”
Xev got fed up and smacked Stan on the
back of the head with the brush extender..
“Oh, I’m sorry Stan, did I hit you? I was
trying SO hard to reach this ceiling!”..
Gennie smirked..and returned to work,
laying out the plans for the room….
Doug scampered around the room marking off
his paint sections and spray sealing the decaying walls..
“Damn, this place needs a fumigation, what the
hell died in here.??”..
Kai looked back and drily commented…”Me…”…
Doug’s eyes registered a slight frown, but
he kept on working, after all, he was a professional…..
790 fumed in the corner…finally he erupted
in shouting…
“How long are you insects going to be
contaminating my Beloved’s presence ??!! I want you to all vacate immediately
!!”
Doug eyed the robot head with disdain..
Cheryl Baumgartner(C Baumgartner
About Me
I am a retired police dispatcher currently living in San Antonio TX. I grew up in Williamsburg VA and joined the US Army immediately after high school.
Homepage
http://www.prepaidlegal.com/hub/cheryl63
APSense Profile
http://www.apsense.com/user/pplcheryl63