Trading Space-A Lexx crossover fic

From: Cheryl Baumgartner(C Baumgartner, Posted Date: Mar 24th, 2011

This was a fic I wrote back aways when "Trading Spaces" was a hot show on the HGTV channel...or Discovery or whatever. Some of the show's characters are no longer on there, but have new shows, etc. Let me know what you think.

 

Disclaimer::: 

 

All characters on Lexx are the property of Alliance Artists/Paul Donovan, etc, etc, not making any money off them, don’t sue me, I’m broke..etc. 

 

TRADING SPACE 


A light buzzing noise permeated Stan's fitful slumber..he struggled to open his eyes and peered at a flickering light overhead...a small conduit wire had come loose from the organic wall of his room.....it sputtered insolently at him..."ffzzzzzzzzzzppp"



"Shit, not another short, that's the 3'rd one this week..."

Stan moaned, still grumpy from his nap...he hadn't been able to manage his usual 10 hours of sleep lately, more and more systems on the ship had been falling apart..



"I'm totally worthless until I get my beauty sleep"...he mumbled to no one in particular..

Xev poked her head thru the oval door of his room.."What's the matter now, Stan, another problem? You've been bitching all week..."



Sitting up, he punched down the pillow on his Mothbed..

"Every day, it's a new hassle, this damn ship is so old, all the systems have started to screw up, and I'm NO techie!"

Xev scanned the room, and noticed several sections of the fleshy protruberances of the interior had begun to decay and slough off the walls..

"Ew, this looks nasty" , she cringed, fingering a particularly ugly piece of the Lexx's lighting panel...

Stan wiped his forehead...

"Didn't you notice how humid and warm it's gotten in here lately? And frankly, well...." Stan screwed up his nose..

"The ship stinks"...

A whirring sound from down the corridor grew in intensity until a small motorized cart with 790 appeared thru the archway..

"I hate to break up this pathetic exchange of what would be considered conversation, but the Meat Sack has an incoming call from Earth"...

"For me?? Anything to break up the monotony around here.."

Stan strolled past 790's cart and promptly kicked the chuckling head into the wall... Wailing as he shot towards the disgusting target, 

"WORTHLESS PILE OF SOAP BONES! I'LL MAKE SURE THE TOILETS USE SANDPAPER ON THEIR TONGUES !!"

Xev chuckled..and charitably picked the head up and placed it on his little cart...

"There you go, now try to stay out of trouble, we have to figure out a way to repair all these little annoyances.."



Xev strutted down the corridor towards the bridge...leaving 790 to stuggle after her with his buzzing cart.."Please  wake up the Dead Man, I need my frosty assassin snack!! He's my one and only Deadsickle !! "

 "Stanley H. Tweedle?"  The cheerful woman on the Lexx's bridge screen glowed at him..."My name is Paige Davis, and  we read your story and it seemed SO outrageous we decided it was the perfect opportunity to raise our ratings and do an episode with some really super-creative ideas..after all, we've never had a show done in 'space' before..." she chuckled...



"So this time next week, our carpenter Tai and our 2 designers and myself will meet you at your um..designated coordinates to welcome you to an episode of TRADING SPACES !!!!"

 Stan was overjoyed.."That's fantastic !! I mean, you have NO idea how bad the ship's interior is right now, I mean, our FOOD TUBE has just gotten totally disgusting, and the shower appendage nozzle has started to dribble...and..''



Paige interrupted..

"Um...GREAT, uh..Stan, we'll see you a week from today, and you understand that it's for 4 people, and in teams of 2 each, you redecorate each other's spaces, right???"

 "OH..sure, sure...we'll be waiting for you, right Xev???"

Xev's startled look was ignored by both Stan and Paige..

The screen blinked off, and Stan started dancing around the bridge ...

"FINALLY !! I've conned..um..convinced someone to come up here and help us fix this run-down dragonfly for free, and maybe..."...Stan leered at Xev.."I might get lucky in the bargain, you should see one of the decorators....hehehehe"..

 Paige had her cameraman shut off his headset..."Geez, these clowns get weirder each episode..this guy thinks his house is a spaceship, I betcha a hundred bucks, he's a Trekkie. God knows what we'll find when we get there..."

She and the cameraman just shook their heads....



790 immediately went into hysterics.."NO NO NO...NO ONE COMES ON BOARD THE LEXX..NO MORE SLUTS ON MY SHIP TO CHASE MY BELOVED  HUNK OF ICEBERG !!!"

 Xev waved her hand in Stan’s direction…”What was that all about???, You didn’t say anything about a decorating crew coming up here, I would have liked to be in on it…after all…” she blew on her nails and smiled..”I’m quite a decorator myself..”…Stan rolled his eyes….”Yeah, I’m sure your box was the prettiest one on B3K….”



Kai awoke to the hissing sounds of the cryopod lid, and clouds of cold vapor rolling thru the cryochamber…

“Do you have need of me?”…his dark eyes glared at Stan…

 790 piped up..”Kai !! Please throw them off the bridge, they’ve awakened you without my permission !!”

Kai’s eyes could immediately sense a change in mood with Stanley.. who was tap-dancing his way thru the chamber…

 "Have we landed somewhere?”…

 “Um..not really, we’re still orbiting Earth, but I managed to get us some help in repairing the Lexx’s operating systems and damaged interior..aren’t you happy?”



Kai squinted tightly at Stanley…”The Dead are not…..happy…the Dead are merely content…”

 Stan nodded, pleased with at least that much of an admission…

 Paige Davis sat in the Truck, tapping her nails on the dashboard…the ‘coordinates’ she’d been given by this flake Stanley Tweedle, were right on the money, but there was no house here…

“Shit, if this guy is some ringer Bob Vila sent us, I’m going over and kill that old geezer…he can’t screw with us !!”

Tai, her carpenter, nodded as he stuffed Twinkies into his mouth, gearing up his blood sugar level to “Intense” for purposes of impressing the cameraman…

 Just then a loud humming noise emanating from overhead caught Paige and Tai’s attention..

Paige looked out the window, shielding her eyes…

An immense bug-like craft was hovering close by them, looking for a place to land…finally it settled on a few acres of meadowland…

Just then, the two designers showed up , Doug and Genny, each a good decorator in their own rights, and eager for the challenge of doing something drastic to the interiors, having seen the pictures sent to them by Stan…

Now Doug was the proverbial snob, eager to show off his talents, and quite happy to let his couple do most of the work as he sat and complained about the price of opera ticktets..

Gennie (Genevieve) was a lovely blonde designer who’s imagination was matched only by her fiery temper…Stan was bound to have his hands full.. 

Stan and Xev jogged over to meet them, Kai slowly made his way thru the shrubbery in their wake…



“Wow, is that your ship??? This WILL be a challenge !! “ Paige clapped her hands and jostled her way between Xev and Stan…”And WHO might you be???”..  She offered her hand to Kai..who stared at her as if her head was on fire…

 “I’m Kai…last of the Brunnen G….I was from a..”

“Ok, that’s terrific, but we only have a few minutes for the promo for next Friday night, how about if we get right down to business, it seems as if we’re missing one person for the show, where’s your 4th person??”

790 called out from behind her, causing Paige to jump into the arms of her carpenter…

“I’m 790 and you BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN !!”

Stan pointed at 790…”That’s our 4th guy….Kai and 790 versus me and Xev…”Stan winked at Gennie, who was visibly winking at Kai….

Kai peered nonchalantly at the group, then turned and strode back to the Lexx, with  790 in hot pursuit…..

 Stepping into the Lexx’s cryochamber, Paige’s face was white..”What in the hell is this place?, What would you use this for??”…Kai leaned over and whispered quietly…”It’s my cryochamber, it’s where I sleep..”

 Paige winked at Gennie…”Ah….we have a Goth guy trying to make some changes in his habitation!! Good for you, after all, even tho your outfit is flattering, a nice tan and a Polo shirt would do you wonders..” she winked at Kai again, who stood and stared straight thru her…

 Gennie grabbed Stans arm, “I guess this is our project there honey, we have to get busy..”…Stan fairly drooled and followed behind her as Xev rolled her eyes at his behaviour..

 Paige took Kai and 790 to Stan’s chamber, and noticed right away the rancid smell of decaying garbage…

 “What the hell is that?? Are we next to the dumpster?”  Doug smirked..”Another class group of  people, Paige, kind of like those Appalachians you wanted to do last month where they wanted their whiskey still redecorated..”

 Paige just glared at Doug and flounced off to go get her carpenter set up in the bridge…

 Doug was measuring the walls of the chamber..”I think I can make this place presentable, but it will take some hard work…I think a nice leather wall here with some tiger stripes on those arches.. would look fantastic..”

 Kai looked over at the pompous decorator…”If you wish..I have no preference either way..”

 Doug wiggled his eyebrows..”Oh…really??? Hmmm..that presents some interesting topics of conversations..”

Gennie handed Stanley a large paintbrush….and shoved him in the direction of the crypod chamber wall..”We have to put up something much more cheerful..I picked out this lovely lavender color to spruce up the interior, and then….”

 She revealed the darker purple paint can..”This is for the cryopods, guaranteed to wake you up in a good mood…oh, and I shouldn’t forget the herbal scented dried flower decorations we have in mind…

 Stan, of course, having other things on his mind..pinched Gennie’s butt as she leaned over and opened the paint can..

“Ouch!! Hey!! What’s the idea, no groping !!”

 Stan just winked, convinced she really wanted the attention…”Oh, nothing, I’m just a very friendly guy, you know, I like to party and hang out, kind of laid back…”

 Xev got fed up and smacked Stan on the back of the head with the brush extender..

 “Oh, I’m sorry Stan, did I hit you? I was trying SO hard to reach this ceiling!”..

 Gennie smirked..and returned to work, laying out the plans for the room….

 Doug scampered around the room marking off his paint sections and spray sealing the decaying walls..

“Damn, this place needs a fumigation, what the hell died in here.??”..

Kai looked back and drily commented…”Me…”…

 Doug’s eyes registered a slight frown, but he kept on working, after all, he was a  professional…..

 790 fumed in the corner…finally he erupted in shouting…

“How long are you insects going to be contaminating my Beloved’s presence ??!! I want you to all vacate immediately !!”

Doug eyed the robot head with disdain..
Cheryl Baumgartner(C Baumgartner


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I am a retired police dispatcher currently living in San Antonio TX. I grew up in Williamsburg VA and joined the US Army immediately after high school.

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